I’ll preface this by saying that everything is going relatively well right now. While not everything is as I’d prefer, the momentum is there, at least. However, even during the best of times, I can’t help but feel as if all of this is pointless. In fact, it’s during the best of times that I become especially wary, as it feels like I’m lying to myself or allowing myself to succumb to an illusion. After all, we know how this ends. Sometimes I’d rather just get it over with.
Emotions are fickle, fleeting things, yet we largely predicate our existence upon them. And the higher one climbs, the further one falls. “Why subject yourself to such a thing?” my subconscious often asks me. I became conditioned at a very young age to be skeptical of anything I feel. I’m not sure why, though I have my suspicions. I know I should allow myself to simply enjoy things, but that’s never been possible. I’ve had my moments, but they’ve only ever been brief respites from the ever-present background of existential angst. Anytime I feel joy, it’s soon accompanied by a certain uneasiness. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember, though I was well into adulthood before realizing this isn’t normal.
Whenever I’m overwhelmed by existential angst, I often engage in a thought experiment: if a genie were to grant me three wishes, or even just one, what would I wish for? What would truly make me happy? The first thing that comes to mind is my family. I’d wish for their happiness, whatever that entails. I then reevaluate my life to ensure it is optimally structured to achieve this, to support those I love. At least, that’s what I’d want to wish for.
But truly, if we’re entertaining wishes, there is a deeper, darker desire within me. I would wish for none of this to have ever happened. I don’t mean ‘me’; I mean literally everything—everything that has been, everything that is, everything that will be, and all that could ever be. That’s the only way to ensure none of this ever happens—the negation of all possible worlds, of existence itself.
This entire thing has always felt ‘wrong’ to me. It’s difficult to explain why I feel this way, but I will not shy away from it. I will not coddle myself with delusions. I’ve always hoped this feeling would someday go away, but it has yet to happen. Therefore, I instead channel it as the one true constant in my life, to overcome anything that stands in my way. As I’ve somewhat jokingly said before, I am, if anything, an agent of the void.